When John and I dominate the world…

This whole concept was brought on by the necessary occupations, such as assassin, in the 2008 job guide, or lack there of, and has expanded to our very own job guide. We have altered to world to the way we want it.

 

Firstly, as we have dominated the world, we put ourselves in unmistakable positions of power.

GOD!  - Susan

World Dominator – Susan

Vice World Dominator – John

THE CEO – John

Ninjesus – Mandy

 

And we have a board to help with major decisions.

Alexis

Franchesca

Ida

Athanasius

Thy [occasionally]

 

Just a little bit of info so this makes more sense to you.

x  Maths is gone from the world forever, mostly.

x  Cigarettes and related items are instinct.

x  Teachers and other “authority figures”, as well as people who piss us off, are tortured and/or killed by this point.

So here is our very own version of the job guide :

·        

Arithmetic Teacher – Teach young children preparing for the future army how to add subtract multiply and divide. Each equation involves a weapon of some kind and results in pain or death. Must be able to improvise equations and put them into practice. This is a dangerous profession, as if they teach anything deemed ‘too mathematical’ they may join the literature burning pile.

 

·          Assassin – works for the World Dominator. An assassin’s only task is to kill a target given to them by the world dominator or vice world dominator, who also expresses a particular method of death. The education and training required is Certificate III from Sniper School

and Cert IV in evilism. However, failure to complete a task usually results in certain death.

 

·          Board of advanced occasional employees member – put simply, they are here on the chance that the W.D. or V.W.D. require advice on a subject they weren’t bothered to study. They are only paid when their services are used, and can only join the board by being hand chosen by the W.D. or V.W.D.

 

·        

CEO – Chief Executive Officer. Bachelors Degree in Business or similar and Certificate X in common sense. Must be able to manage large staff numbers and multinational corporations. Quarterly revenue must reach $1 billion or you will be retired unexpectedly. Reports to THE CEO.

 

·        

 Cigarette Sub-mergers – their primary task is to “drown” cigarettes and rid the world of these vile creations. It requires a certificate in anti-pyromaniacy and Cert IX in common sense.

 

·        

 Clothing Removal Specialists- they are here purely for entertainment value. They are trained in the fiends of pole dancing and choreography and are required to be one of the 100 hottest people in the world.

 

·          Decapitations Officer – they use various sharp tools at their disposal to remove the heads or anyone deemed unworthy of life by the W.D. or V.W.D. No education is required but personal traits include precision and accuracy. Missing the target completely results in a not-so-instant death however if the hit is off centre and causes extreme pain, no penalty is applied.
 

·        

Divorce Statistic-altering Specialist – no qualifications required. Must be hot and flirtatious. Must meet an annual quota and failure to do so will result in castration for males and debreastation for females. Free STI screens, gym membership and health care will be provided. May receive bonuses in the form of cosmetic surgery.

 

·         Elephant Ass Wiper – reserved for people with palindromic surnames who enjoy, the late mathematics. Must store all collections in their homes, in case a weapons creator requests them at any time. These workers are handpicked by the W.D. or V.W.D.

·        

Enthusiasm Destruction Officer – members of a special army to deal with overly-happy individuals. May arrest overly-happy people who refuse to hand over ‘the good stuff’ or are on a natural high from a non-violent purpose and hand them over to the division of human body experimentalists. Requires a degree in anti-enthusiasm and usually suffer from depression.

 

·         Future army officer incubators – must have completed school to year 10. Must be able to conceive at least one child every two years, those who fail to do so will be retired. Bonuses are paid to those who decide to raise the child. Conception of a child can occur with anyone except family. Free healthcare.

 

·        

Food Engineers – Diploma in Food Science and Technology. You will be required to research and source non harmful ingredients to add to food products which will cause addiction. Funding will be provided based on success, and must be able to work in teams.

 

·        

GOD! – There is only one god as Susanism is the only religion alive in the world. This position is taken by Susan who single-handedly removed all actionless chick-flicks from the world. Requires utter brilliance and a lust for pain and suffering.

 

·        

Human Body Experimentalist – must have a Certificate IV or higher qualification in interrogation techniques and torture. Will be used by ranking officials and law enforcement agencies, and must be proficient in all methods of torture. Bonuses will be paid to those who discover new methods of torture which work.

 

·         Ida-clones – Certificate III in human studies majoring in Ida. Must be able to analyse and criticise while still being nice. Will be required to cook food to a certain standard often, and if these standards aren’t met, clones will be terminated.

 

·        

Idaware Manufacturers – requires schooling up to year 12. Will be hired at the discretion of Ida and must be able to work in teams. Accuracy and precision is essential and all products will be inspected by Ida. Failure will result in punishment in any form suggested by Ida.

 

·        

Interrogations Experts – related field to Human Body Experimentalists. Must be able to obtain information by any means necessary, and are not paid unless the screams of suspects reach a specific level of decibels. Must have a Certificate IV or higher qualification in interrogation techniques and torture and have studied for two years under a Hitler-clone or equivalent.

 

·        

Inventors – no necessary qualifications. Required to create brand new products, not plagiarised in any way. Products will preferably contribute to some sort of evil or misery besides weapons. One invention a year is required. People who go crazy will receive a generous bonus.

 

·         Law Enforcement Specialists – Bachelors degree in Law majoring in espionage and can work for government bodies. Must be fit and able to withstand harsh physical conditions, and training is provided. Must be proficient in Krav Maga and one other type of martial arts of your choice. Failure of a mission will result in some extreme form of reprimand but not death but you may wish it was death.

 

·        

Mackay descendants – being blunt, this occupation requires someone genetically linked to Mackay and their role is to simply make toilets and sinks sparkle. They must use their heads as their scrubbing brush.

 

·        

Mass Grave Excavators – no qualifications necessary. Will be required to control excavators to aid in digging process or dig with a shovel. A quota will be determined per worker based on physical strength and other commitments. Failure to do so will result in having to dig your own grave.

 

·         Mathematical Literature Pyrotechnicians - must have a Certificate I in arson and pyrotechnics. Will have to track down all sources of mathematical literature as well as meet a weekly quota. Failure to do so will result in joining the mathematical literature pile.

 

·         Mathematical Theory Eliminator – 100 are located in each country. Must remove any evidence of mathematical existence and erase memories of mathematics which aren’t covered in strict guidelines. They also watch over their country and maintain anti-mathematics, although they must erase their memories of mathematics when they go to bed each night. Must have a Certificate X in arson and pyrotechnics and certificate L in torture, as mathematics is a severe breach of the law.

 

·        

Mentally Unique Scientist – Bachelors degree in Science with a Certificate I in mental uniqueness. Must be able to mix chemicals together without causing harm to oneself. Will be called upon by the government to invent new toxins occasionally. Failure to do so will result in ingestion of self made concoctions.

 

·        

Mercenaries – must go around and take part in any conflict they come across. Can be fired if at any time are not found to be carrying at least three different types of weapons. Must have a major in Susanology.

 

·        

Munition – provide ammunition for any weapon available on the market. Must work closely with weapons creators as if they cannot provide ammo for any weapon requested by the W.D. or V.W.D. the will face prolonged death.

 

·        

Occasional Employees – must be proficient in safe food handling procedures and able to make a decent cocktail. Definition of “decent” is up to employer’s discretion. Failure to meet an employer’s needs except intercourse will result in becoming a slave.

 

·        

Parental Corrections Officer – Certificate VI in parental control and must not be a parent. Job is to oversee how parents raise their children according to strict guidelines. If a child is brought up outside of these guidelines they will be reported and punishment will be determined. Failure to do so will result in excruciating pain.

 

·        

Plagiarism Enthusiast – Certificate V in plagiarism and malpractice. Must encourage students to plagiarise even if it is against the rules. If enough students plagiarise they will not be punished. Basically, the lives of students are in your hands.

 

·        

Plastic Surgeon – must be able to work at any time of day as they will be required to operate on victims when the W.D or V.W.D are in a good mood. Must have a medical degree and be able to manipulate any body part in any way.

 

·        

Priests of Susanism – Bachelors Degree in Susanology. Must be certified as a priest by Susan and will preach the beliefs of Susanology to non believers. Must be able to convert 10 people in a month to be certified otherwise one of the beliefs of Susanology will be made true. 

 

·        

Propaganda Specialist – must have a certificate XX in World Domination Loyalty and be a believer of Susanology. Must have widespread connections and contact with at least 5 countries. Must have a respectable reputation however being respectable is optional, as long as people think you are.

 

·         Prostitution Professionals – Must have completed a three course in human satisfaction and be extremely flexible. Must have extreme physical fitness and excellent stamina. They usually begin as prostitution players and work their way up through the ranks. Must be able to determine who they can service to rise through the ranks.

 

·        

Pyrotechnician – Certificate V in pyrotechnics. Can be hired by whoever, whenever. Job is safe for those who perform well and know what they are doing. Must purchase own insurance coverage.

 

·        

Screw-the-environment-alist – 2 week course in “How to Screw an Environmentalist” required. Must be able to screw an environmentalist and make them no longer fight for the environment. Failures will be screwed.

 

·        

Second Edition Athanasii – Certificate VII in Human studies majoring in Athanasius. Must have excellent communication skills and argue with at least one authority figure a day. If choosing to argue with the WD or VWD be warned death may be a result. Excellent pay.

 

·        

Slave – anyone who has performed a service unsatisfactorily and was found out or was dominated by another becomes a slave. Their job is to serve their master in any way possible and cannot argue or talk back. If hard work is applied, they may be promoted to sex slave and eventually prostitution professional.

 

·         Sniper – must be able to shoot others from long distances. Must have certificate V from Susan’s Sniper School

and be a believer of Susanology. Cannot miss as a single miss results in being de-limbed, that is, losing both legs and both arms.

 

·        

Suicide Engineers – Certificate II in suicide art. Must come up with new and creative ways to commit suicide and it must be tested by oneself. Suicide engineers will occasionally be called up to argue with world officials.

 

·         Tenedora circa 1992-clones – Diploma in Human Studies majoring in Tenedora circa 1992 and Diploma in Arts majoring in music. Will be required to perform when asked to and performance must be satisfactory. Performances will be presided over by officials to judge standard. If standard is not met you will listen to nails on a chalkboard for eternity.

 

·        

THE CEO – in charge of all corporations in the world. Has the discretion to take over any corporation, appoint executive staff and terminate staff which performs unsatisfactorily. Must have a PhD in cynicism, cold heartedness and superficiality.

 

·        

Vice World Dominator – Must be evil and has near-absolute power with endless resources at his disposal.

 

·        

Weapons Creator – must invent a new weapon each month and an annual nuclear weapon. The weapon must cause excruciating pain but visible scars are optional, though generally encouraged. They must have Cert I in evilism and cert VI in Susanology.

 

·         Weapons Dealer – buys and sells weapons of all kinds. Must be able to determine appropriate ammunition and remove any safety switches. Must work in or own a business open 24hrs a day.

 

·         World Dominator – holds complete and utter power over the world and everything in it. Has no responsibilities and endless resources.

 

     Any suggestions to our world are welcome, unless you want to revive mathematics.