Recently I’ve been hearing a lot abot these “unanswerable questions” everywhere. Theonly thing is, some of these answers are so obvious i dont understand how people could mis them. Every question has an answer, and for those people stupid enough to not understand, i’ll break it down for you.

 ** If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?~~

Not if he wins dumbas. but if he loses, sure. This does make a good joke, but it is NOT an “unanswerable question”

** Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?~~

Hmm. So dirt doesnt get inside the coffins? So its easier to put it in the ground? Incase John feels like burying someone alive? All seem so obvious now, don’t they?

** Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?~~

Skin gets darker because the cells are trying to protect themselves so they don’t break down. Hair goes lighter because the sunlight breaks down the molecular layers that absorb light and heat. Unanswerable my ass.

** Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?~~

They can. it’s just easier with open mouths because it stretche the face so it’s easier to apply. in short, YOUR QUESTION IS WRONG.

** Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?~~

Because it isn’t dry yet loser!

** Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?~~

Same reason you never see “psychic foresaw death and survives again”. Because they dont know!

** Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?~~

To demonstrate why we need a word for it.

** Why is a boxing ring square?~~

“In this corner…”

** Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?~~

Because the substance STICKS to your lips so they keep the colour. Lets help you get a better understanding of this. Go superglue your lips together and see what happens.

** Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?~~

The same reason doing a million math questions is practice. The more you do something, the better you get at it. It never stops being practice.

** Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?~~

Rain also falls. RAIN DOESN’T DROP, RAINDROPS FALL. They come in the form of drops, but verb is to fall.

** Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?~~

To help you concentrate on what you’re doing. Like i said, OBVIOUS!.

** Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?~~

Why don’t you drink a bottle of dishwashing liquid and find out?

** Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?~~

Because it deals with SECONDS. The 2nd hand deals with MINUTES. ITS NAMES AFTER THE UNIT IT MEASURES!

** Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?~~

Because everyone’s in a rush to get home or to work/school, hence the incresased traffic.

** Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?~~

Because it has a definition? If you told a 6 month old to define dictionary, they’d have NFI what you’re on about. They’ve gotta learn sometime.

** Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?~~

Two words – Nobody cares. Why isn’t there a special word for your level of idiocy?

** Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?~~

WHere do you suppose this mouse flavour will come from. SHarks and bears seem to like eating us. So while where at it, lets make human flavoured shark food.

** Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?~~

Good point – it’s not like pilots need to see whats in front of them in the sky or anything.

** Can fat people go skinny-dipping?~~

Not while i’m watching. But yeah, weight physically restricts people from removing their clothes and going in the water. If you’re over a certain weight limit and naked, water sends its hydrogen molecules to kill you before you enter the water. WHat the hell do you think genius?!?!

** Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?~~

You dont need a drivers licence dumbass you just need photo ID accompanied with proof of age. Drivers licenses provide that.

**What is the speed of dark?~~

JENNIFER FLASHBACK. The speed of dark is the speed of light. As soon as light comes, dark disappears and vice versa.

Unanswerable questions my ass. Some are stupidity, and some are failed jokes, but unanswerable? I dont think so!

A few days ago I read  brilliant paragraph that made so much sense to me.

“I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no f***ing way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody, a rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say “oh s**t I’m sorry I thought paper would protect you, a**hole.”

This was the one variation that ever made some sense… and now even thats dead. The other version I don’t understand is human foot, cockroach, nuclear bomb [derived from that 70s show] . Okay human foot can cockroach, and cockroach can survive nuclear bomb, but how the fuck does nuclear bomb beat human? Isn’t this clearly a draw? I mean come on, like the bomb can survive its own destruction. And technically no matter how close the human is, the bomb dies first. But is it really a human, all me know of it that there’s a foot. Is there some magical foot that can survive on its own. This variation makes even less sense than the one before it.

It was then I realised just how stupid some of these games can be. And if there’s one stupid variation, there will be others. So once again, I googled myself the answer that I wanted.

A variation found in Indonesia is composed of an earwig, a human, and an elephant. The earwig is able to climb into the elephant’s ear and drive it insane, while the human crushes the earwig and the elephant crushes the human

WTH?!?!?

LETS COMPARE THIS WITH THE ORIGINAL.
Scissors cuts paper, rock crushes scissors, paper suffocates rock.
Human crushes earwig, elephant crushes human, earwig climbs into ear and drives elephant insane.

Somehow, the second one is more logical. Lets apply such logic to the original. What if paper could drive rock insane? If could wrap itself around the rock, and tell it to burn things, or to kill. Hell, turn the rock into a schizo for all I care. But there’s no fucking way that paper can beat rock.

If that’s what the Indonesians found out, what about Sarah Palin’s people? The Alaskan version is bear-fish-mosquito. The bear bites the fish, the fish bites the mosquito, the mosquito bites the bear

THE FISH BITES THE MOSQUITO?!?!?

What? Did the fish jump out of the water to grind its teeth into a mosquito? Or did the mosquito decide to go skinny dipping in the wrong place wrong time.

And two more variations I won’t bother going into are
cat, tinfoil, microwave
bear, ninja, cowboy

So whether there’s a magical paper that can kidnap. bound and gag a rock, A suicidal nuclear bomb that tries to take out a self-reliant human foot or you feel like microwaving a cat, THIS GAME MAKES NO BLOODY SENSE!

I was thinking about an episode of friends. A main character, Joey, in an attempt to sound smarter, used a synonym on too many words and changed the meaning of the sentence while warping it entirely. I found this extremely entertaining, so i shall try to prove if this is actually possible.

Banana muffins are cool. I am not in any way sext, hot or attractive. Cute is a single syllable word for intellectually diminished. John like to flash his cash and theres nothing wrong with that. Alexis likes to make animal noises for fun, so imagine her in bed. Franchesca is my baby girl, who exited my womb only to re-renter it. Thy likes to say pew pew and maintains that he loves me, even though it is quite an impossible task. When we played chinese whispers the message actually got through, when alex said my fish drowned and my dog exploded. No, i do not look good in red.

Yes, the passage barely makes sense on its own and has no real connection, but nonetheless, here is what it translates to using the synonym tool is word.

Banana muffins be breezy. I am not during whichever line of attack sexy, blistering or smart. endearing be a solitary syllable utterance in favour of rationally made smaller. John likes en route for twinkle his currency furthermore there’s nonentity erroneous in the midst of that. Alexis likes on the road to formulate beast clatter designed for excitement, consequently visualize her in cradle. Franchesca is my little one young woman, who went out my womb merely just before re-enter it. Thy likes toward articulate pew pew and continues so as to he feels affection for me, level while it is to a certain extent an unfeasible undertaking. at what time we engaged in recreation Chinese murmurs the memorandum in point of fact get from beginning to end, when Alex alleged my nose about sunk and my beleaguer blew up. rebuff, I do not gaze first-class in scarlet.

Thus proving that even the simple things are complicated.

These holidays will be the longest, most draining timeframe i’ve had in quite some time. To start off, we have a heart-break I suffer through every year: summer tv. It is in late november that all the good television shows come to a halt, taking my heart along with them. It may be unknown for some, but my lfe, whether you approve or not, it run by it. It gives me a centre, to keep my life balanced, it brings me great comfort where reality wounds me and its always there, when nobody else is. And it is at this point in the year, that all the good television shows come to an end “summer tv” kicks in. just thinking it sends a shiver down my spine … a bad shiver.

My friends, the most important people in my life, are all changing and growing up. Given, this is not necessarily a bad thing, but the problem is everyones changing in different directions. And recently proven, our bond is not as strong as we once believed it to be, as a single event or a single person can take a friend away. This added to the growing up and slowly drifting of the group, scares the hell outta me. With 5-6 weeks of no compulsory meetings, the rift we all pretend isnt there will only grow in size and power. These holidays could wreak unimaginable havoc.

And then, the other important aspect of my life, is flying millions of kilometres away. I know he has to do this, and of course i want him to have fun, but i’m going to miss him terribly. 5 weeks without a re-assuring hug, slow kiss or loving touch, as well as the randomness only he can provide. Given, he can be a dickhead, but he’s my dickhead and those weeks are going to be practically unbearable.

So yes, the three most important aspects of my lif (not necessatily in that order) are all being warped into a giant torture – designed to mess with me. World:1  Susan:0 .

Have you ever noticed that sometimes there are lines so stupid you can’t believe the person said it. It’s either stating the oh so obvious or asking an extremely pointless question.

Susan: You lied to me
Thy: How?

How the fuck do you think?! You opened your mouth, and made a statement you knew to be false. What a stupid question. Thats like asking “How do you call somone?” You push the call button and dial the fucking number.

You know what else i hate? When people say “It’s always in the last place you look”. OF COURSE IT IS! Why the hell would i keep looking for something after i found it? I mean come on, it’s just common sense.

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too”. Why the fudge would i want the cake if i can’t eat it? Seriously, can you think of a more pathetic analogy?

Wow, i never realised so many lines annoyed me, Oh, and when people say “Can i ask you a question?” Too late now, isn’t it?

When you’re standing at a bus stop, waiting for a bus, do people think you just like standing there? I mean, who’s stupid enough to ask “Has the bus come yet?”. Yeah it came, and i watched it go floating by and now im standing here for the hell of it. Seriously, have you met Tina Phan?

And what about when people say it was a near miss? Come on, if it was near a miss, surely its a hit. Why go to all that extra effort? Thats like saying “At this point in time”. I’d like to introduce you to a little word called ‘now’.

If you know you have a tendency to say such stupid things, keep your goddamn mouth shut!

Who can you really trust in the world of high-school? Is it even possible to have a friend that won’t betray you if the opportunity arose? Of the entire grade, there is a total of 6 people i could trust with a life-or-death secret; Mandy, Nazan, Lily, Aimee, Jenny and Christina.

How is it that you can feel a sense of security, only to to feel the force of the inevitable betrayal looming behind you, waiting to crash-tackle you to the realm of lonliness and betrayal?

High-school is the world of the most self-centred beings that proceed to call themselves human. One problem; humans have souls. In a world where bullying is water and gossip is oxygen, chaos is the democratic form of existance.

How could I be so naive as to believe these people were friends? A friend; someone to be trusted, relied upon, there when you need them. A friend is the one who comforts you in situations like these, not the one who causes them.

What is this situation? Groups of people gathered at the cricket nets dicussing what i do or don’t do behind closed doors with my boyfriend. Some I can’t be angry with as I don’t know them well or talk to them, and if they wish to talk about other people having a life in comparison to their petty gossip-dominated existances fine; build your life on that of other people, but it is from those i considered friends that the betrayal originates.

What if i did have a secret on this scale? What if i did have sex with him and told those i considered to be friends, decent people. Instead of spreading vicious, demeaning rumours, would they reveal my deepest and darkest secrets to a grade who feed on the events and experiences, the triumphs and depression of others? How do i know who i can trust? Is it even possible to have any true friends?

Sorry? I don’t believe it possible to TRULY mean that word in this context.  To mean the word ’sorry’, you are implying that the instance will not reoccur. Gossip and betrayal are the building blocks of this world; you stab someone in the back and from there on, it only gets easier.

♫

Dont tell me you’re sorry cause you’re not
Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught

♫

Don’t demean me by apologising now, you’ll do it again… and again… and again. You may not want me to feel upset, but you sure as hell aren’t sorry.

In many teenage lives, most girls strive for the same thing. They want to be recognized, they want to be popular… they want to be hot. “Hot” is just a little 3 letter word, yet it can put so much pressure on our already complicated lives. But what really makes a girl ‘hot’?

Hot involves having all these characteristics. So now i dont know if it is possible to call anyone hot, and im pretty sure no-one in the grade fits all these characteristics, thus no girl in the grade is hot. Please correct me if you can find someone who is all this, anywhere.

Basically for a girl to be hot she has to have long straights hair, pretty face, large boobs, skinny waist, noticable curves, tanned skin, nice ass [so explanatory], confident personality and slutty clothes. Seriously, how much do guys expect? This girl.. isn’t real.

The skin is a perfect example of media mind-control. Women everywhere obsessed with being the perfect colour. Spending hours in the sun developing melanomas or undergoing the so called ‘Michael Jackson’ surgery to defy their heritage and birth colour.

“If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you”

No cause is lost if there is but one fool who will fight for it. These are strong words which have sadly fallen on deaf ears.

Two years ago, be began the fundraising committee. It was my group and sophies group with a few others including the almighty Istabraq. It was a different time, where the committee was fun, productive and people cared about the cause! Last year things began to change for the worse, but in the end we got the job done. This year, the committee is an absolute joke.

We elected Istabraq as our leader as she knows how to get the job done. There is one minor detail we were ingnorant of in making our decision, she has a heart. She cares about people and is always friendly, but this attitude is the beginning of the transformation from human to doormat. It is these caring, considerate people that are often taken advantage of, and this is what’s happenning here.

Each meeting takes up the entire lunch, and not every topic gets covered. This is due to two main parts: People who won’t shut up, and Istabraqs inability to use power over others due to consideration and a kind heart. The meetings are stopped after every second sentence she says, literally, as there are too many people who just don’t give a damn about anything but thenselves. As for the people who didn’t bother attending the meeting, they caused more productivity than half the room, which is a sad truth in and of itself. The behaviour of some members is nothing short of deplorable.

This organisation is lit on fire and until someone grabs a bucket of water, we will slowly burn until there’s nothing left. How can there be a cause worth fighting for when the only soldiers are mindless teenage drones.

Have you even beenin a room with someone and wondered what they were thinking? Have you ever had random thoughts and wondered how the hell they got into your head? Have you ever done something unintentionally and later wondered if you really did mean to do it?

Today in Food Technology, a friend “unintentionally” tried to burn down the school.  Of course, this is a person you would never expect to do something like this and she was just having one of those days. However, in my mind i began to wonder, what if she really meant to burn down the school? What if the innocent ones are the ones you really have to watch when they’re behind you?

As my mentor, the almighty television, has always told me, “it’s always the quiet ones you gotta watch out for, you never know what they’re thinking”. I never realised how true this is. With all the silence in our grade, who knows how many rapists and murderers there are, and even those not so quiet ones, in moments of silence, may be imagining your final breaths.

Sometimes people to voice these seemingly disturbing thoughts, as a close friend once asked me, “Do you ever imagine teachers doing it?”. And i am quite sure, that upon reading my previous sentence, certain mental images have scarred you for life.

I’m sure that nobody is entirely pure of mind, not even my baby franny-mae, with her written pornographic novels. I am also quiet sure that some people are far from it, having assassination and torture dreams every night. Sure you can choose to believe what people tell you, but will you ever really know what they’re thinking?

If you see someone looking at you weirdly, don’t just dismiss it, because it could be your final fatal flaw.

Well this topic started weeks ago but i really couldn’t be bothered until now. Everyone has been arguing about gender inequality with specific reference to body part sizes and hormonal impacts, so here’s what i really think.

PMS and TESTOSTERONE do not cancel each other out!  Wow, guys have testosterone and want to ”bang everything in sight”, as John so eliquently puts it. But we have Oestrogen and Progesterone, which form PMS which is really, not a lot of fun.

Oestrogen and progesterone- I don’t know which one does it, but girls do get horny too. Considering we have two hormones for this, and have our own instincts to “mate” AND manage to control it, guys cound try a little harder to keep their mouths shut and eyes up once in a while.

PMS – is not a hormone. To explain it to guys, our emotions get fucked up, we feel like shit and get extremely insecure, our bodies to weird crap you could never understand and cramps hurt like theres no fucking mercy. Does testosterone ever do that to you?

Girls prefering larger penises and guys prefering larger breasts are not equal arguments. Larger penises can reach more places, cause direct pleasure and help with orgasms. Breasts cannot make guys blow their load, Jim from the American Pie series excluded. Besides, it’s not good if it isn’t in proportion. Girls should have boobs to suit their size, and a guy wouldn’t look too attractive with the large thing, springing forth out of nowhere, and besides, too big can be painful.

And yes, this will probably be interpreted as sexism and prejudice in some way, but men definately have it easier.