December 26, 2008

A few days ago I read  brilliant paragraph that made so much sense to me.

“I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no f***ing way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody, a rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say “oh s**t I’m sorry I thought paper would protect you, a**hole.”

This was the one variation that ever made some sense… and now even thats dead. The other version I don’t understand is human foot, cockroach, nuclear bomb [derived from that 70s show] . Okay human foot can cockroach, and cockroach can survive nuclear bomb, but how the fuck does nuclear bomb beat human? Isn’t this clearly a draw? I mean come on, like the bomb can survive its own destruction. And technically no matter how close the human is, the bomb dies first. But is it really a human, all me know of it that there’s a foot. Is there some magical foot that can survive on its own. This variation makes even less sense than the one before it.

It was then I realised just how stupid some of these games can be. And if there’s one stupid variation, there will be others. So once again, I googled myself the answer that I wanted.


A variation found in Indonesia is composed of an earwig, a human, and an elephant. The earwig is able to climb into the elephant’s ear and drive it insane, while the human crushes the earwig and the elephant crushes the human




Scissors cuts paper, rock crushes scissors, paper suffocates rock.
Human crushes earwig, elephant crushes human, earwig climbs into ear and drives elephant insane.


Somehow, the second one is more logical. Lets apply such logic to the original. What if paper could drive rock insane? If could wrap itself around the rock, and tell it to burn things, or to kill. Hell, turn the rock into a schizo for all I care. But there’s no fucking way that paper can beat rock.


If that’s what the Indonesians found out, what about Sarah Palin’s people? The Alaskan version is bear-fish-mosquito. The bear bites the fish, the fish bites the mosquito, the mosquito bites the bear


What? Did the fish jump out of the water to grind its teeth into a mosquito? Or did the mosquito decide to go skinny dipping in the wrong place wrong time.

And two more variations I won’t bother going into are
cat, tinfoil, microwave
bear, ninja, cowboy

So whether there’s a magical paper that can kidnap. bound and gag a rock, A suicidal nuclear bomb that tries to take out a self-reliant human foot or you feel like microwaving a cat, THIS GAME MAKES NO BLOODY SENSE!